Drowning
music and lyrics by jay brannan

it’s four a.m. again
father, forgive me this sin
uncomfortable in this life, yeah
i can’t put down this knife, yeah

i’m carving words in my arms, baby
hey, scars are part of my charm, maybe
i need the touch of a hand
this isn’t what i had planned

chorus:
i need relief from this life
i wanna slip away into the night
don’t wanna see the sun again
but can’t get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind
i wish the ocean was warm
i feel like drowning

i’m losing my faith in me
i can’t remember the last time i felt free
from voices inside my head
when i taste liberation, they just feed me fear instead
you say i’m out of controlat least i still have a soul
no, i don’t need your advice
some compassion would be nice

chorus

i can’t take any more of your pills
they hold my head up
but still it feels so wrong
i can’t believe the price that i’ve paid
for this chemically-induced, perceivably ideal, take-it-with-a-glass-of-water day

chorus

I'm depressed!!

I always seem to get down in the evenings. Doesn't seem to happen as much during the day, just at night. Maybe it's because the reality of not having someone to snuggle up to in bed finally gets to me at the end of the day. Maybe it's something else completely...chemical imbalance, seasonal affective disorder or something like that. ;)

Whatever it is, I know it's not nice. And it's especially not nice on Valentine's Day. The fates seem intent on keeping me and my beloved apart for as long as possible. There are absolutely no jobs upstate for a dietitian and no librarian positions down here in the city. DAMMIT!!!

I know in the grand scheme of things my life could be a lot worse but is it really so much to ask to be near my soulmate?! Answer me that, fate!!!

*incoherent grumbling* Don't mind me, just bitchy and missing mi amor, not a good combination!! Although I do have to count my blessings. This is the first Valentines Day that I've had someone to call my own (don't know if I should count last year as we were still in the very beginning stages of our relationship and had only met each other face to face once). And I couldn't be happier. I seriously don't know what I would do without my soulmate. Adrift in a sea of depression and uncertainly most likely. But she's my port in the storm and my lighthouse leading me home safely.

Luckily, I only have 2 more days to wait until I see my Miss D again. Yay!!!

My demons come out to play
When you ask me how I feel
When you beg me to tell you my thoughts
They come with unmitigated zeal

These thoughts and feelings
That have laid dormant for so long
Come to the forefront
And the feeling is so strong

I’m scared to tell their secrets
Afraid of what, I’m not sure
Maybe I’m afraid that if I tell them
Then of them, I’ll be cured

These secrets have become my life
A part of my reality
It seems like they’ve always been with me
Like a congenital abnormality

But now it’s all out there
All the cards are on the table
And I feel a strange emptiness
Like someone has cut the cable

A tie severed from my former life
Freeing me into the new
The demons that once haunted me
Are now defeated and through